Q. I’ve heard that the DuroSport Prism 6000 is radioactive. Is that true?

A. You are undoubtedly referring to the battery technology that allows the Prism 6000 to play 48 hours on its first charge! In which case, “only slightly radioactive” would be a better way of putting it. For the record, the levels of radioactivity of the all DuroSport products fall within acceptable limits for most Eastern European countries. However, as a precaution we do recommend that women do not wear it on their person while pregnant and men do not wear it near their genital region.

Q. Why are so many of the DuroSport players mono?

A. Our scientists have determined that while humans have two ears, the actual listening experience is centered in between those ears, i.e. mono. Stereo sound is actually an unnatural illusion. For those who want that false sound, we have created a stereo version of the Prism. Since some consumers prefer an illusionary sound experience we are also working on a quadrophonic player.

Q. What happened to the Virtual Scorecard?

A. The DuroSport Virtual Scorecard was a feature of the Prism One, which allowed users to keep score at a Base Ball game without using paper. It took the radio broadcast and using our patented DuroBabel technology, translated the announcer’s call to the DuroSportsCard software. After the game was over, you could email the 8MB file to your friends or print it using the dot matrix printer in the DuroSport Media Center. It has temporarily been discontinued from the Prism 6000 because DuroSport allegedly “failed to get the express written consent of the Major League Baseball”. We are confident we will win the pending lawsuit and will resume this service at that time.

Q. Every time I see a Prism DuroSport advertisement I feel ill. Is this normal?

A. Our research and development department is currently experimenting with certain viral marketing techniques. Since these techniques are highly proprietary we are not at liberty to comment. However, if you feel that our advertisements are making you ill you should consult your physician. Please note, this does not constitute medical advice.

Q. Why is your music encoded in a proprietary format? Why not just use .mp3?

A. At DuroSport, we support musicians. We feel that nothing kills an artist’s career faster than large amounts of people having access to their music. That’s why our #1 pledge to all musical artists is this: we will make it as difficult as we possibly can for people to hear your music — unless it has been authorized by us. That’s why we developed the DuroTunes 6 (.dt6) Secure Music Format: to restrict the possibility that even one extra person might hear any musician’s songs.

Q.  Bleeding?  From the ears, nose and eyes?

A.  This question refers to the very small percentage of people using the Prism One with SETI who have reported a small amount of bleeding from the various openings in their heads, thereby forcing a recall of the product.  While this bleeding might cause some slight discomfort to those involved, our scientists are actually very encouraged by this development:  they are convinced that this bleeding constitutes proof of alien life.  However, since the devices cease to function at the same time, they cannot be sure.  Our lawyers have pointed out that while this might be a great discovery for mankind, some small-minded individuals might choose to sue us instead of the aliens whose signal obviously caused the bloodflow, thus the recall.

Q.  Is it illegal to board an airplane with my Prism DuroSport?

A.  This question refers to a rumour posted on an obviously illegal site called “Prism Durosport Sucks” that someone complained to our Customer Service Department that they were stopped from boarding a plane to South Korea because the State Department considered their DuroSport a “radiological device.”  This is yet another false accusation hurled at our fine products.  Not only can you board an airplane with your Prism DuroSport, we recommend that you play it — loudly — during all takeoffs and landings.