DuroSport Electronics wishes to annouce that our new flagship product — the Prism DuroSport 6000 — will be getting it’s first major review this week.

Medialoper, an online journal of digital entertainment technology, has been in touch with our Chief Product Engineer, Vladimir Concescu, over the past few weeks clarifying various aspects of the Prism’s unique featureset.

Medialoper plans to publish the review on Friday, March 31. We’ve just been informed that the review has been pushed back to Saturday. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

In yet another industry first, DuroSport Electronics today announced that it’s latest digital audio player, the Prism DuroSport 6000 is “The Fastest Media Player On Earth”.

All new models of the Prism DuroSport 6000 will feature a HyperSonic mode which will play back audio recordings at 32 times normal speed.

The new HyperSonic mode will allow music lovers to listen to more music than ever before. An average rock album will play back in slightly over one minute.

This amazing innovation will also allow consumers to speed read through audiobooks. Imagine listening to the complete unabridged “Gravitys Rainbow” in just 23 minutes!

Existing Prism 6000 customers are eligible for a free firmware upgrade that will enable the HyperSonic mode. Users who plan to upgrade are advised to backup their music files to a DuroSport brand disposable flash card.

Break the chains imposed by real time with DuroSport’s Hypersonic mode!

We understand that a small number of disgruntled customers are participating in a so-called “class action lawsuit” regarding an alleged “health hazard” that may result from our new battery technology.

We would like to assure our good customers (those who are not suing us) that these charges are completely false. There is almost no danger involved in using the new Deutrium-Tritum batteries. The odds are infinitesimally small that anyone would be harmed by these batteries. We think you’ll agree that the benefits of the prolonged battery life far outweigh the laughably small risk that is almost not worth mentioning.

Also, please be advised that our legal counsel has recommended that we file a counter-class action lawsuit against those litigation happy consumers who are attempting to extort money from the DuroSport company.

While DuroSport Electronics is devoted to producing consumer electronic devices of the highest quality, occasionally there are minor problems which necessitate a recall. After discussing the issues below with our legal council we have decided to issue a recall for the following products. If you own one or more of these devices please use our online RMA request form.

Products affected by this recall:

• Prism One with SETI — A very small number of Prism One SETI owners have reported issues with their personal Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence Search functionality. It has come to our attention that users of this product might experience very slight bleeding from the ears, nose and eyes. Of course there is no way of knowing whether this bleeding is being caused by the SETI attachment, or whether the consumers in question are simply prone to such bleeding. At any rate, no long-term effects have been identified, and the bleeding only lasts for a couple of minutes. Regardless, our lawyers have advised that we recall this product immediately, and ask users to not use the SETI function.
• Prism 2 with TGPS — Under certain conditions the TGPS system will accidentally reveal where the user is going to be up to a week in the future. Since these predictions are not always accurate, we consider this to be a bug. Until we can either eliminate the bug or make the TGPS predictions 100% accurate, our lawyers have advised that we recall those models immediately.

DuroSport Electronics seeks a Chief Financial Officer to work in our World Headquarters in Moldova.

DuroSport Electronics is an emerging high tech company with market leading consumer electronics products. DuroSport is currently seeking a replacement for our interim CFO. This is a unique opportunity to help reshape the corporate culture of our finance department. You will also work closely with our CEO in addressing the concerns of the various securities regulators in the countries that DuroSport does business in.

Other responsibilities include:

• Developing a balance sheet (previous balance sheet was lost and backup was mistakenly stored on disposable flash drive)
• Coordinating annual audits and answering questions about our alleged bookkeeping “irregularities”
• Coordinate finance department staffing and prepare for previous CFO’s work furlough release
• Provide in-depth financial analysis of the impact pending class-action suits might have on the company’s finances

For more information on this exciting opportunity, contact us today. Be sure to put “I am interested in being your CFO” in the message box.

DuroSport Electronics is an equal opportunity employer (except for Communists or ex-Communists)