The DuroSport Electronics Company announces the immediate recall of our Auto Adapter accessory.

Apparently, there have been reports that the Auto Adapter — which uses exclusive DuroSport proprietary technology to leverage your automobile’s internal electronics to play DuroTunes through your car stereo — will cause random and unforeseen opening and closing of electronic garage door openers.

Police Departments in several cities, including Lompoc, California and Dayton, Ohio, have contacted us as part of their ongoing investigations of break-ins that they say were caused by local gangs of disenfranchised, DuroSport-loving youths.

The allegations — which our lawyers strenuously refute, pending the outcome of our own investigation — are that the gangs of youths drive up and down suburban streets, listening to DuroTunes through the Auto Adapter until they see a garage door open as they drive by. Late at night, according to the Police, they use the Auto Adapter to re-open and loot the same garage.

The DuroSport Electronics Company does not believe that our products were used in the commission of any crimes, and if so, we deeply regret any loss that people may have suffered. We would also point out that the makers of the electronic garage door openers should bear full fiscal responsibility, not us. Our technology is as foolproof as it has always been. It is obviously a flaw on their end.

Finally, we can dismiss outright the story of the elderly woman in Ybor City, FL who was crushed by a garage door inadvertently set off by the Auto Adapter as malicious internet gossip, probably started by someone who wishes us harm like Microsoft or Medialoper.

The DuroSport Electronics company would like to take this time to publicly apologize to Scarlett Johansson and Tom Waits for a recent posting on our insider blog that suggested that our soon-to-be released cutting-edge next-generation Universal Media Device, The Pütz Durosport, will come pre-loaded with the world premiere exclusive of the Scarlett Johansson Sings Tom Waits album.

Apparently, Vladimir Concescu, our Chief Product Engineer, had been contacted via his MySpace page by people claiming to represent Mr. Waits and Ms. Johansson. The exchanges that he had with these people led him to believe that the both Mr. Waits and Ms. Johansson were avid users of the Prism DuroSport 6000, and would be honored to have the world debut of this album on our soon-to-be released cutting-edge next-generation Universal Media Device.

After consultation with lawyers for both performers, it was determined that this was not the case. Apparently, the people that Mr. Concescu met via MySpace were pranksters or con artists, and had no connection to either Ms. Johansson or Mr. Waits. When contacted, Mr. Concescu said “I am saddening by this incident, and am apologize very much.”

The DuroSport Electronics Company regrets the error.

It has come to our attention that a small number of customers have experienced problems with Prism DuroSport t-shirts purchased from our online store. While we believe that most of our t-shirts are not defective, on the advice of our legal counsel we are issuing a recall for all shirts sold during the month of July 2006.

Two specific product “defects” have been claimed. One leads to a very slight skin rash, while the other involves the actual shape of the shirt — it is possible that we may have inadvertently shipped dog shirts to a few of our human customers.

If you are experiencing a skin rash that you believe may be related to your Prism DuroSport t-shirt, please fill out our RMA form and we will be in contact with you shortly regarding the return process. If your rash continues, please remove your shirt and call our customer support number for medial assistance. Our DuroSport staff of physicians can prescribe an anti-inflammatory which we will ship from our Moldovan pharmacy at an extremely competitive rate.

If you “accidentally” received a dog shirt please consider giving it to a dog.

Please understand that you are under no obligation to return your Prism DuroSport t-shirt if you are completely happy with it. We have no intention of allowing our legal team to adversely impact your wardrobe.

Ever wonder what goes on behind the scenes at the DuroSport company? Now you can find out by reading the new Prism DuroSport Insider Blog.

Insider Nero Tarlev (our founder’s great nephew) will keep you posted on all of the latest DuroSport product information, as well as providing you with a unique perspective on what it’s like to work at one of the world’s most infamous consumer electronics companies.

The Insider Blog launches tomorrow with a very special product release announcement. If you want to be the first to learn about DuroSport’s next-generation media products, be sure to read the Prism DuroSport Insider Blog.

The DuroSport company is pleased to announce our newest upcoming product: the DuroSport VideoTron. The VideoTron is a portable video player that plays portable videos on the biggest possible video player, your TV.

According to Vladimir Concescu, DuroSport’s Chief Product Engineer, the desire was to marry portable video portability with the largest possible screen. “I read about the upcoming Video iPod, and I though, ach, that sure is small, who would want to watch a TV show on that? Who needs a tiny little Jack Bauer when you can have a larger-than-life version? And then I thought, what is the biggest video screen in my house? My TV!”

So working day and night with a small band of dedicated engineers, Concescu exectued to the concept for the VideoTron. “It’s very simple,” he explains, “you just take the video that you downloaded from the Internet, and use the player to beam it through your wireless network to your TV. The quality will be excellent - nearly as good as Beta!”

In order to avoid piracy, the VideoTron will be restricted to working with a single TV. Once a TV is configured, users will not be able to reconfigure for another TV without purchasing a separate licence for that TV.

The DuroSport VideoTron is expected to be released to the general public this year. Review versions will be available prior to that for all legitmate reviewers (except for Medialoper, who knows why they are excluded.)

Ever since the brutal recent review of the Prism DuroSport 6000 from the idiots at Medialoper, and an equally vicious review of our accessories, we have had an alarming amount of customers fill out our RMA form asking to return their Prism DuroSport 6000. 

While we will of course honor any and all product return requests with our usual unprecedented brand of customer service, we would like to say once again that our products are mostly not dangerous.  What is totally dangerous is the panic that could be spread by these totally actionable rumours started and perpetrated by that lie factory masquarading as a website.

Vladimir Concescu, DuroSport’s Chief Product Engineer, has this message:  ”Loyal customer base, I can only ask this: please don’t fall prey to any type of panic feelings that you might be feeling. If you return your Prism DuroSport 6000s, the Medialopers win. We are going to do everything in our power to squash this review, and therefore, in a short time you will feel better.”

We further urge customers to acquaint themselves with the safety of our products by reading our Frequently Asked FAQs, which addresses these issues, as well as several others.

As always, we appreciate your continued support during this time.

We regret to inform our loyal customers that the highly anticipated review of the new Prism 6000 which appears in Medialoper today is full of inaccuracies and misleading information. We urge you to ignore the review and spend the day listening to your Prism DuroSport.

The DuroSport support staff has worked diligently over the past several months to assist the Medialoper review team in understanding the advanced features of the Prism DuroSport 6000. Unfortunately, it is clear from the review that the staffers of the Medialoper Review Labs must have some sort of learning disability.  If ever there was an instance of user error, this is it.  Over and over again. If anything, the fact that these retards had so much trouble with the Prism DuroSport stands as proof as to just how far ahead of it’s time it really is.

If all of this weren’t bad enough, the Medialoper team has attempted to return their Prism DuroSport 6000 without first completing an RMA form.

Needless to say, we are consulting our legal advisors and will be taking appropriate action shortly in order to best respond to this scurrilous and defamatory attack on our flagship product.

DuroSport Electronics is urging iPod users to switch to the Prism DuroSport digital audio player. The company’s new iTunes Compatibility Kit makes the switch painless by allowing consumers to easily convert an entire library of iTunes music to a variety of more widely compatible audio formats.

The new Prism DuroSport 6000 offers many advantages over the iPod, including:

• Faster playback speed
• Plays ogg vorbis and dt6 encoded music
• Longer battery life (on first charge)
• Sturdy design

According to DuroSport product engineer Vladimir Concescu, “our research indicates that the youth market is looking for an alternative to the iPod and they just need an easy way to make the transition. The iTunes Compatibility Kit finally gives consumers an easy way to switch.”

The kit allows consumers to legally transfer their iTunes music to a non-Apple music format. The iTunes Compatibility Kit is expected to be available through retail channels early next month.

For more information see the Prism DuroSport products page.

DuroSport Electronics wishes to annouce that our new flagship product — the Prism DuroSport 6000 — will be getting it’s first major review this week.

Medialoper, an online journal of digital entertainment technology, has been in touch with our Chief Product Engineer, Vladimir Concescu, over the past few weeks clarifying various aspects of the Prism’s unique featureset.

Medialoper plans to publish the review on Friday, March 31. We’ve just been informed that the review has been pushed back to Saturday. Sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.

In yet another industry first, DuroSport Electronics today announced that it’s latest digital audio player, the Prism DuroSport 6000 is “The Fastest Media Player On Earth”.

All new models of the Prism DuroSport 6000 will feature a HyperSonic mode which will play back audio recordings at 32 times normal speed.

The new HyperSonic mode will allow music lovers to listen to more music than ever before. An average rock album will play back in slightly over one minute.

This amazing innovation will also allow consumers to speed read through audiobooks. Imagine listening to the complete unabridged “Gravitys Rainbow” in just 23 minutes!

Existing Prism 6000 customers are eligible for a free firmware upgrade that will enable the HyperSonic mode. Users who plan to upgrade are advised to backup their music files to a DuroSport brand disposable flash card.

Break the chains imposed by real time with DuroSport’s Hypersonic mode!