The DuroSport Electronics Company would like to announce that we are very close to closing a deal with Best Buy, a consumer electronics chain based in Richfield, Minnesota.
According to Tripoli Parsectiv, DuroSport’s chief lawyer, this deal would mark the first time DuroSport Electronics products would be for sale through an U.S. based mass-market retailer. “For the past 45 years, our products have been available only through mail order catalogs from our store in Moldova,” Parsectiv explained, “and while some speciality shops stocked our products through those catalogs, it wasn’t a sustainable as a business model in the 21st century. We are pleased to continue to increase our visability in the United States.”
At first, the only product that will be available at Best Buy will be the Prism 6000, but before the end of the year, you will also be able to purchase the DuroSport VideoTron and the Pütz DuroSport at any of the over 1100 Best Buys in the United States.
The deal is expected to be closed at the end of May, and the Prism 6000 will available shortly thereafter. You, of course, don’t have to wait until then to purchase one. As a matter of fact, we prefer that you don’t.
The DuroSport Electronics Company, makers of the famous Prism DuroSport 6000 and the soon-to-be famous Pütz DuroSport, is very proud to announce that it has been chosen to be part of a “2006 Best” list by the website, RockCritics.com.
In their entry about our company, the site extolled such advanced technological DuroSport innovations as the iTunes Compatibility Kit; the Battery Powered Battery Charger and the DuroTunes 6 Secure Music Format — the only DRM that has never, ever been cracked by any hacker. Ever.
As much as we appreciate what we consider is a long overdue appreciation, our lawyers have asked us to point out two factual errors in the entry.
- We are listed in the entry as “Prism DuoSport,” not Prism DuroSport. After the end of decades of litigation with those
bast very nice people at the DuoSport company, we can attest that the missing “r” makes all of the difference. We understand the error, but our lawyers insist that it be changed. Immediately.
- The entry mentions that JT Leroy has been signed as a spokesperson. While it is true that we were on the verge of signing Mr. Leroy, he broke off negotiations when he discovered that we had been the victims of the internet hoaxters who had falsely promised us the exclusive world premiere of the Scarlett Johanssen Sings Tom Waits album. Apparently, that album was the reason he wanted to work with us. We wish Mr. Leroy all the best and are looking into his recommendation of James Frey.
So while we cannot yet promise we won’t sue RockCritics.com for their errors, we remain grateful for their inclusion of our company on their “2006 Best” list. As they point out, the sky truly is the limit for the DuroSport company.
The list of 2006 Best by RockCritics.com (you’ll have to scroll down a bit)
The DuroSport Electronics Company announces the immediate recall of our Auto Adapter accessory.
Apparently, there have been reports that the Auto Adapter — which uses exclusive DuroSport proprietary technology to leverage your automobile’s internal electronics to play DuroTunes through your car stereo — will cause random and unforeseen opening and closing of electronic garage door openers.
Police Departments in several cities, including Lompoc, California and Dayton, Ohio, have contacted us as part of their ongoing investigations of break-ins that they say were caused by local gangs of disenfranchised, DuroSport-loving youths.
The allegations — which our lawyers strenuously refute, pending the outcome of our own investigation — are that the gangs of youths drive up and down suburban streets, listening to DuroTunes through the Auto Adapter until they see a garage door open as they drive by. Late at night, according to the Police, they use the Auto Adapter to re-open and loot the same garage.
The DuroSport Electronics Company does not believe that our products were used in the commission of any crimes, and if so, we deeply regret any loss that people may have suffered. We would also point out that the makers of the electronic garage door openers should bear full fiscal responsibility, not us. Our technology is as foolproof as it has always been. It is obviously a flaw on their end.
Finally, we can dismiss outright the story of the elderly woman in Ybor City, FL who was crushed by a garage door inadvertently set off by the Auto Adapter as malicious internet gossip, probably started by someone who wishes us harm like Microsoft or Medialoper.
The DuroSport Electronics company would like to take this time to publicly apologize to Scarlett Johansson and Tom Waits for a recent posting on our insider blog that suggested that our soon-to-be released cutting-edge next-generation Universal Media Device, The Pütz Durosport, will come pre-loaded with the world premiere exclusive of the Scarlett Johansson Sings Tom Waits album.
Apparently, Vladimir Concescu, our Chief Product Engineer, had been contacted via his MySpace page by people claiming to represent Mr. Waits and Ms. Johansson. The exchanges that he had with these people led him to believe that the both Mr. Waits and Ms. Johansson were avid users of the Prism DuroSport 6000, and would be honored to have the world debut of this album on our soon-to-be released cutting-edge next-generation Universal Media Device.
After consultation with lawyers for both performers, it was determined that this was not the case. Apparently, the people that Mr. Concescu met via MySpace were pranksters or con artists, and had no connection to either Ms. Johansson or Mr. Waits. When contacted, Mr. Concescu said “I am saddening by this incident, and am apologize very much.”
The DuroSport Electronics Company regrets the error.
It has come to our attention that a small number of customers have experienced problems with Prism DuroSport t-shirts purchased from our online store. While we believe that most of our t-shirts are not defective, on the advice of our legal counsel we are issuing a recall for all shirts sold during the month of July 2006.
Two specific product “defects” have been claimed. One leads to a very slight skin rash, while the other involves the actual shape of the shirt — it is possible that we may have inadvertently shipped dog shirts to a few of our human customers.
If you are experiencing a skin rash that you believe may be related to your Prism DuroSport t-shirt, please fill out our RMA form and we will be in contact with you shortly regarding the return process. If your rash continues, please remove your shirt and call our customer support number for medial assistance. Our DuroSport staff of physicians can prescribe an anti-inflammatory which we will ship from our Moldovan pharmacy at an extremely competitive rate.
If you “accidentally” received a dog shirt please consider giving it to a dog.
Please understand that you are under no obligation to return your Prism DuroSport t-shirt if you are completely happy with it. We have no intention of allowing our legal team to adversely impact your wardrobe.
Ever wonder what goes on behind the scenes at the DuroSport company? Now you can find out by reading the new Prism DuroSport Insider Blog.
Insider Nero Tarlev (our founder’s great nephew) will keep you posted on all of the latest DuroSport product information, as well as providing you with a unique perspective on what it’s like to work at one of the world’s most infamous consumer electronics companies.
The Insider Blog launches tomorrow with a very special product release announcement. If you want to be the first to learn about DuroSport’s next-generation media products, be sure to read the Prism DuroSport Insider Blog.
The DuroSport company is pleased to announce our newest upcoming product: the DuroSport VideoTron. The VideoTron is a portable video player that plays portable videos on the biggest possible video player, your TV.
According to Vladimir Concescu, DuroSport’s Chief Product Engineer, the desire was to marry portable video portability with the largest possible screen. “I read about the upcoming Video iPod, and I though, ach, that sure is small, who would want to watch a TV show on that? Who needs a tiny little Jack Bauer when you can have a larger-than-life version? And then I thought, what is the biggest video screen in my house? My TV!”
So working day and night with a small band of dedicated engineers, Concescu exectued to the concept for the VideoTron. “It’s very simple,” he explains, “you just take the video that you downloaded from the Internet, and use the player to beam it through your wireless network to your TV. The quality will be excellent - nearly as good as Beta!”
In order to avoid piracy, the VideoTron will be restricted to working with a single TV. Once a TV is configured, users will not be able to reconfigure for another TV without purchasing a separate licence for that TV.
The DuroSport VideoTron is expected to be released to the general public this year. Review versions will be available prior to that for all legitmate reviewers (except for Medialoper, who knows why they are excluded.)
Ever since the brutal recent review of the Prism DuroSport 6000 from the idiots at Medialoper, and an equally vicious review of our accessories, we have had an alarming amount of customers fill out our RMA form asking to return their Prism DuroSport 6000.
While we will of course honor any and all product return requests with our usual unprecedented brand of customer service, we would like to say once again that our products are mostly not dangerous. What is totally dangerous is the panic that could be spread by these totally actionable rumours started and perpetrated by that lie factory masquarading as a website.
Vladimir Concescu, DuroSport’s Chief Product Engineer, has this message: ”Loyal customer base, I can only ask this: please don’t fall prey to any type of panic feelings that you might be feeling. If you return your Prism DuroSport 6000s, the Medialopers win. We are going to do everything in our power to squash this review, and therefore, in a short time you will feel better.”
We further urge customers to acquaint themselves with the safety of our products by reading our Frequently Asked FAQs, which addresses these issues, as well as several others.
As always, we appreciate your continued support during this time.
We regret to inform our loyal customers that the highly anticipated review of the new Prism 6000 which appears in Medialoper today is full of inaccuracies and misleading information. We urge you to ignore the review and spend the day listening to your Prism DuroSport.
The DuroSport support staff has worked diligently over the past several months to assist the Medialoper review team in understanding the advanced features of the Prism DuroSport 6000. Unfortunately, it is clear from the review that the staffers of the Medialoper Review Labs must have some sort of learning disability. If ever there was an instance of user error, this is it. Over and over again. If anything, the fact that these retards had so much trouble with the Prism DuroSport stands as proof as to just how far ahead of it’s time it really is.
If all of this weren’t bad enough, the Medialoper team has attempted to return their Prism DuroSport 6000 without first completing an RMA form.
Needless to say, we are consulting our legal advisors and will be taking appropriate action shortly in order to best respond to this scurrilous and defamatory attack on our flagship product.
 DuroSport Electronics is urging iPod users to switch to the Prism DuroSport digital audio player. The company’s new iTunes Compatibility Kit makes the switch painless by allowing consumers to easily convert an entire library of iTunes music to a variety of more widely compatible audio formats.
The new Prism DuroSport 6000 offers many advantages over the iPod, including:
- Faster playback speed
- Plays ogg vorbis and dt6 encoded music
- Longer battery life (on first charge)
- Sturdy design
According to DuroSport product engineer Vladimir Concescu, “our research indicates that the youth market is looking for an alternative to the iPod and they just need an easy way to make the transition. The iTunes Compatibility Kit finally gives consumers an easy way to switch.”
The kit allows consumers to legally transfer their iTunes music to a non-Apple music format. The iTunes Compatibility Kit is expected to be available through retail channels early next month.
For more information see the Prism DuroSport products page.
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